By There’s a kind of work that rarely gets recognised, let alone rewarded. It’s not in a job description. It doesn’t come with a title or salary. But it runs through every part of family life like an invisible thread—holding everything together, even when it frays. It’s the mental, emotional, and often logistical load carried mostly by women. And for many mums, it’s overwhelming.
This invisible work of motherhood is the planning, remembering, scheduling, and managing of all the moving pieces in a household. It’s remembering when the immunisations are due. It’s knowing the grocery list by heart. It’s keeping track of school dress-up days, birthday party gifts, dental appointments, and what size shoes the kids wear now.
It’s a job in itself. One that often sits on top of paid work, parenting, and home responsibilities. But unlike other roles, it rarely gets shared equally.
What Is the Invisible Load?
The invisible or mental load is the “cognitive and emotional labour” that goes unseen. It includes everything from worrying about the kids’ development to noticing when the washing powder is low.
It’s exhausting because it’s constant. Even if a partner helps with chores, the mum is often still the project manager—delegating, reminding, following up, and anticipating what needs doing next.
In heterosexual relationships, studies consistently show that women take on the majority of this load, regardless of how much paid work they do.
And here’s the kicker: because this work is largely invisible, it’s easy for others not to notice it’s happening at all.
The Toll It Takes
Over time, the invisible work of motherhood can lead to stress, resentment, and burnout. Many women report feeling alone in the responsibility, even when they’re in supportive partnerships. The emotional impact often includes:
- Mental fatigue and decision exhaustion
- Reduced time for self-care, hobbies, or friendships
- Feelings of being undervalued or unappreciated
- Frustration at having to ask for help instead of sharing the load automatically
It also has a knock-on effect on relationships. Unequal distribution of mental labour can create tension and distance, especially if it’s not openly discussed.
Why Don’t We Talk About It More?
One reason is that many mums feel guilty for bringing it up. There’s a sense that they should be able to handle it all. That motherhood is naturally all-consuming. That asking for help somehow reflects badly on them.
There’s also the issue of cultural conditioning. Girls are often raised to notice needs, accommodate others, and anticipate problems before they arise. It becomes second nature. By the time we become mothers, the habit is so ingrained that we don’t even realise how much we’re carrying—until the cracks start to show.
Shifting the Load
The good news is that change is possible. It starts with making the invisible visible.
1. Have the Conversation
Sit down with your partner and talk openly about the mental load. Use examples rather than generalisations. Try:
“I realised I’m the only one keeping track of school events, and it’s becoming overwhelming.”
Pointing your partner to resources like Man Manual can be a great way to open the conversation without sounding like you’re criticising them. It offers advice for men on shared parenting, romantic relationships and friendships, and emotional awareness—written from a male perspective.
2. List It Out
It can be eye-opening to write down all the things you manage mentally each week. From what’s for dinner to who needs new socks. Then divide the list—not by tasks, but by categories of responsibility.
For example:
- One person handles school admin
- The other handles meal planning
This way, one person isn’t always the default memory bank for the household.
3. Let Go of the Perfect Standard
Sharing the load means accepting that someone else might do things differently. The washing might not be folded your way. The birthday gift might be bought last minute instead of planned ahead. And that’s okay.
Letting go of control can be hard, but it’s essential if you want to reduce your mental load.
4. Outsource Where You Can
If it’s within your means, outsourcing can take a huge weight off your shoulders. This might be hiring a cleaner, using a meal kit service, or sending the ironing out.
Suburb Local is a great place to start—it’s a directory of local businesses, many of them owned by women and families. You can find everything from dog walkers to home organisers to meal delivery services. Supporting these services also supports your community.
5. Make Time for Self-Care
Make time for self-care—and treat it as essential, not optional. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. Whether it’s reading a book, going for a walk, listening to a podcast, spending time with friends, or enjoying a quiet coffee alone, the goal is to carve out space just for you. Add it to your calendar like you would any other appointment. When you prioritise your own wellbeing, you show others it matters—and that you matter too.
Not Mum Today is built for exactly this reason. We know the emotional, mental, and physical toll motherhood can take—and we’re here to share stories, laughs, and advice from women who get it.
What About the Kids?
Raising kids to be active participants in household life is one of the best long-term solutions. Even young children can help pack lunches, sort laundry, or take responsibility for their school bags.
This teaches them responsibility and helps normalise shared domestic roles for the next generation.
A Shared Future
Changing the invisible dynamics of home life isn’t about keeping score. It’s about creating an environment where everyone feels supported and valued. It’s about rethinking outdated assumptions about motherhood—and building new ones based on equity and empathy.
By naming the invisible work, you give others the chance to see it—and share it.
And when you support other local mums, small businesses, and resources built around real-life needs, you’re part of something bigger: a culture shift that values all kinds of labour—especially the kind that holds families together.
The invisible work of motherhood doesn’t have to stay invisible. By talking about it, dividing it more fairly, and making space for outside help, we can ease the burden and build stronger households—and communities.
Need practical support from trusted local services? Visit Not Mum Today for advice and tips on health, wellbeing, family life, and girls nights, and browse Suburb Local to find the help you need.
You’re not alone in this—and you don’t have to do it all.